9.05.2011

letting go and losing it

2 year old Parker
I couldn't figure out why I've been such a space cadet. I mean, I often find myself in AmyLand...but this is even more than normal. I told Joel that I couldn't figure it out. An example of my spaciness: I left a full cart of groceries in the Safeway parking lot and didn't figure out that they were missing for close to an hour. Embarrassing. Ridiculous. What is UP?? I'm so distracted.

"Your boys are going back to school!"

There was no question in his voice at all...he knows me so well. He knows my heart and how I roll. Ten years of marriage will do that (yay for us!!). 

Of course. I have to let go again. This is our third year of starting school and each year I have to give up a little more control. First, pre-k...then kindergarten...and now 1st grade. This time it is all day. SIX hours. Lunch at school. Oh my gosh. 

I would love to write a smart post about the beauty of letting go and trusting God with our children. I could. But I would just be talking big. I'm just not there yet. I will be when I need to be, but I'm right in the middle of the process and I just don't have the right kind of words yet. But I can say that I can feel my grip loosening just a bit. Tomorrow will be a big day for me as I have to let go...and maybe just lose it for a while. And then maybe I'll have some pretty words. 

I just love them. I sometimes think that the more that I control, the better off they will be. With Parker, I started on day one and was the perfect pregnant lady. I can recall the TWO servings of dessert I ate during my pregnancy...and the handful of days that I DIDN'T work out. I read every book, did everything right. But I very quickly found that it wasn't going to work. Control just is futile. Parenting is a continual exercise of letting go. 

And this is just first grade! Geesh!

If I really lose it and leave my KIDS at the grocery store, I'll let you know;)

8 comments:

carly said...

this post made me cry. i am with you. i am feeling so many things, especially now that the first day is tomorrow. :) you will do awesome, and i will be thinking about you and the boys tomorrow!

Sue Asbjornsen said...

My daughter is so wise and honest--sigh and heart squeeze number one. Was she not just moments ago just like the little ones she now mothers?
I am shocked by how fast each of my grand-children's childhood days are passing--faster than my own children and I am shocked by how unprepared I was for this--heart squeeze and sigh number two, three and four...
~an emotional Mooma

Jenny said...

Oh, Amy! I loved reading this and now I know why God placed it on my heart very early this morning to pray for you, and so I have--all day long, in fact. I just love you and your kids so much. I'll be sure to pray for you lots tomorrow, too. All 4 of mine start school tomorrow, too. The girls (my BABIES!!!) start Kindergarten. Not quite sure how I'm going to handle that just yet.

Jen said...

Sending you a huge hug! If you need to cry, receive a hug, or just hang out...you know where to find me! :) Thinking about you!

Andi Mae said...

Love you + your beautiful heart so so much! Praying for you tomorrow- 1st grade is such a big deal! Even for Auntie! :)
xo

Kelsy said...

First days of school aren't just big for the kids, they're big for mamas too. Allow yourself some grace...the art of letting go isn't easy. Where your pride on your sleeve tomorrow!!

Christa said...

parenting....it is such a ride! an emotional one. there is such comfort in the fact that as we let go, god is there to hold our little ones. praying for you amy! all these little babies heading off to school. wow!

Amy and Jonathan Hook said...

I am right there behind you in the next few years - and even though I'm not sending Clara anywhere just yet, I can totally feel the pull to grab tightly...when in the end you are right. It is all about letting go. One day at a time, right?! I can't wait to hear all about Parker's first day of first grade :).

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