I'm Sorry

I knew the day was coming--when the seriousness of parenting would take over. Yesterday was the day for me! It has been creeping up and building over time, but yesterday it really sank in. It begins!

We were sitting down for lunch, getting ready to read a book and I remembered that I needed to apologize to Parker for something that had happened earlier in the morning. I *knew* he wouldn't remember and he may not even fully understand what I was talking about, but I also knew that it had to be done. I can't even remember exactly what happened in the morning, but I do know that I lost my cool and probably was very short with Parker. I showed anger because I lost control of the situation. A situation in which Parker was probably just being a typical two year old. So this is how our conversation went...

"Parker, Mama is very sorry that I got mad at you this morning."

Blank stare.

"Parker, I am sorry that I was mean to you. I don't want to ever be mean to you. Do you forgive me?"

Vigorous nodding of the head and then..

"Parker sad."

Oh, dear. He not only remembered what happened, but he remembered how he felt and that broke my heart. In his words, he told me that I hurt his feelings. How could I, one who loves him so much, choose to hurt him?

I know that I can't be perfect and I will make mistakes every single day--which irritates me--but this isn't what surprised me. It was the fact that Parker has arrived at the age where serious parenting begins. I remember events from the age of two and I assume that he could too. This is only slightly terrifying. In the upcoming years, Parker will begin to remember everything--good and bad. He will be listening and watching very closely. And all of these little events and conversations will make up part of who he is and how he feels about himself. Not to mention the fact that he will be hurt by other people, as well...

The past two years have been packed full of issues and decisions that really seemed big at the time...you know, sleep schedules, breastfeeding, acid reflux, baby food, toys, car seats, strollers, entertainment, etc. Baby stuff, really. We've even had to deal with a bit of discipline and redirecting. Just normal stuff, but it can seem all-consuming sometimes when it is your first time raising a little human. But now that we're getting to the point that the decisions we make have a bigger impact, all of those baby things seem like just that--baby stuff. Not really that important when it comes to the big scheme of things...eternal things.

Parker and I had a good morning together, enjoying some non-serious mother-son time:) Taking some advice from Aleah, I let him prance around the backyard in his birthday suit for a few hours to practice peeing. He hit the target a few times and earned himself some candy. Very proud Mama. While I'd love for him to be potty trained this summer, it really doesn't matter all that much. Years down the road, it isn't going to matter how old he is when he learns to sit on the pot. I really don't need the bragging rights. But it is going to matter how I speak to him, listen to him, love on him and show him he's loved even more by our Heavenly Father.

And by the way, Parker did forgive me. Now, I won't go through the rest of the conversation, but I will tell you that he gave me kisses...because that is what he gets when he apologizes. Sweet boy!


Aleah said...

I've had that same talk too. Too many times!
Glad Parker's having fun (right?) romping around and learning what it's all about! : )
I forgot to mention in Ella's post that we've haulted training her. Because of the chair tipping w/ #2 in it & getting on her, she is sooo scared to let loose again... Try again in a few months I guess! Good luck to Parker! No pressure. ; )

Love, Aleah

Wendy said...

What a good mom you are! I think it is so good to show our kids that we are not perfect and we blow it sometimes too and, in that, always pointing it back to Christ.

Sue said...

Oh My GOODNESS! My daughter and grandson are so sweet and special I nearly cried!

Anonymous said...

O Amy! I am definitely put to the test with my children on a daily basis. How we respond, they learn from. How huge though for you to ask for forgiveness and teach them that you forgive them just as God forgives us.

Potty training - what a fun adventure that is! My 3rd child is just now getting it. He is 3yr boy, born 3/26/04. Boys take forever, but they'll definitely get it in their time. =) Running around naked is a great help! =)

How's the scheduling, organizing, etc going?

Hope you are well!

Amy E said...

I love your post. It almost made me cry. Just wanted to pop in and say Hi. My name is Amy also, and I found your blog from Christine's sight.

You are doing a good job as a mom. Way to go!

Elise said...

It is going to matter how you speak to him, love him, etc. Yes.

Those are eternal things. I pray that you - we - will let the *baby* things roll off our backs and make way for things of really lasting value.

Great thoughts, Amy. I am really proud of you for apologizing to Parker, even though you thought he might have forgotten - I struggled with that with my boys - never wanting to apologize for fear it would stir things up again. But it teaches such a valuable lesson! :)

Munchkin Land said...

Oh we've reached that stage numerous times already and each time its just as humbling as the first! For example, last night Jon hurt Devyn's feelings and it broke my heart to see how crushed she was. (He was trying to protect her from the paint fumes in our house.) But it so warmed my heart to watch Jon kneel down next to her and apologize for the tone he used.

You are an incredible mom and so appreciate your candor and willingness to share these lessons with us! It's a great reminder!!

AndiMae said...

Oh, Amy. You are such a great mama! Parker and Griffin are so so blessed to have you!

I am starting to get to this stage with Audrey as well and you're right- everything before WAS just "baby stuff"! Thank you for being so honest and real- it is so encouraging to me!

I love you!

P.S. And you really are such a great writer :)

Kati said...

How true it is that our little angels understand, and often remember more than we give them credit for!

What a great mom you are for taking the time (way after the fact) to appologize and make things right...something we can only hope our children will also do!

*My actual due date is July 12th

Jen said...

You are such a wise mother! I loved reading this post and appreciate your honesty!
Miss you!

Kimberly said...

Amy, you are a very good mommy. I know how hard it is to keep your cool, especially at this age. Landen continues to test me on a daily basis.

Liz said...

You have such a sweet heart, and I can see your love and desire to do what is pleasing to the Lord. That makes you a great mom...being and example of Christ's love.

I remember when my daughter was 3 she told me that I broke her heart by something I had said. That really affected me...it broke my heart. I felt like such a bad mom. I knew I needed to be more sensitive I confessed my wrong actions and she was so forgiving...kids usually are. And, thankfully God gives us grace to move on when we do make a mistake.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your sweet comment. oh and thanks for answering my question about the sling. Still haven't decided what one to get.

Kim said...

Your God honoring humility before your son will teach him so much!

We all do things we wish we could take back or do again...when our children see that we are aware of that and love them enough to ask them to forgive us...it draws us closer to one another....and ultimately will help them see their need for God's forgiveness.

Great going, Mom!!! I loved this post!

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