balance...again

Warning: thoughts in progress…this is not necessarily a complete thought. I haven’t come to any firm conclusions on this issue. This is just me, voicing my thoughts about this specific lesson.

I had an eating disorder in high school and thankfully I have been completely healed in that area of my life. The eating disorder is just one area out of many that was pivotal in bringing me to a faith in Jesus. There were many reasons why I developed an eating disorder in the first place, but what it came down to was this—sin. I was so focused on myself and my appearance that I saw no one else. Nothing. It was all-consuming. No one was allowed in my life except me and my “secret”. It was really a pitiful existence and, after recovering, I realized that I never wanted my life to be like that again.

So along with giving up my obsession about my weight, I also decided that focusing on how I dressed was a waste of time and just generally a distraction from the higher calling of loving God and others…sin, even. Think of all of the people we could help with our time and resources if we didn’t spend it on making sure we made a good impression? And I still think this—I really do. I think we are an appearance obsessed culture. I believe we are consistently choosing greed over helping others and all the while, modeling this to our children. So often, we are all talk and no action.

But…even though I want to forget about what people think about my outward appearance, I don’t! It has been a struggle to keep it in balance at times. While I have been making effort to keep thoughts about how I dress on the back-burner, I have also been frustrated by the fact that I have often felt uncomfortable and out of place because of my lack of forethought. These thoughts make me feel conflicted because I really don’t want to be bothered by these feelings while in social situations—I want to be myself and to be used by God without distraction. Make sense?

So here are my thoughts as the moment: I really want to be a good steward of my money, time and thoughts, but since I have to spend money on clothing anyway, why not put some consideration into it and purchase items that will make me feel good in my own skin? That way I can forget about it and get on with more significant things. There really is something to be said about clothes that fit well and that are flattering. An amazing thing happens…I forget about myself and I am able to focus my full attention on things that actually matter in the big picture. What freedom!

It is all about balance, right Dad? Isn’t it interesting that I am finally learning to bring things back into balance after going to both extremes within the past ten years? And I know that God will continue to work on this area with me. I know this because I am s-l-o-w. And He is patient.