I'm Sorry

I knew the day was coming--when the seriousness of parenting would take over. Yesterday was the day for me! It has been creeping up and building over time, but yesterday it really sank in. It begins!

We were sitting down for lunch, getting ready to read a book and I remembered that I needed to apologize to Parker for something that had happened earlier in the morning. I *knew* he wouldn't remember and he may not even fully understand what I was talking about, but I also knew that it had to be done. I can't even remember exactly what happened in the morning, but I do know that I lost my cool and probably was very short with Parker. I showed anger because I lost control of the situation. A situation in which Parker was probably just being a typical two year old. So this is how our conversation went...

"Parker, Mama is very sorry that I got mad at you this morning."

Blank stare.

"Parker, I am sorry that I was mean to you. I don't want to ever be mean to you. Do you forgive me?"

Vigorous nodding of the head and then..

"Parker sad."

Oh, dear. He not only remembered what happened, but he remembered how he felt and that broke my heart. In his words, he told me that I hurt his feelings. How could I, one who loves him so much, choose to hurt him?

I know that I can't be perfect and I will make mistakes every single day--which irritates me--but this isn't what surprised me. It was the fact that Parker has arrived at the age where serious parenting begins. I remember events from the age of two and I assume that he could too. This is only slightly terrifying. In the upcoming years, Parker will begin to remember everything--good and bad. He will be listening and watching very closely. And all of these little events and conversations will make up part of who he is and how he feels about himself. Not to mention the fact that he will be hurt by other people, as well...

The past two years have been packed full of issues and decisions that really seemed big at the time...you know, sleep schedules, breastfeeding, acid reflux, baby food, toys, car seats, strollers, entertainment, etc. Baby stuff, really. We've even had to deal with a bit of discipline and redirecting. Just normal stuff, but it can seem all-consuming sometimes when it is your first time raising a little human. But now that we're getting to the point that the decisions we make have a bigger impact, all of those baby things seem like just that--baby stuff. Not really that important when it comes to the big scheme of things...eternal things.

Parker and I had a good morning together, enjoying some non-serious mother-son time:) Taking some advice from Aleah, I let him prance around the backyard in his birthday suit for a few hours to practice peeing. He hit the target a few times and earned himself some candy. Very proud Mama. While I'd love for him to be potty trained this summer, it really doesn't matter all that much. Years down the road, it isn't going to matter how old he is when he learns to sit on the pot. I really don't need the bragging rights. But it is going to matter how I speak to him, listen to him, love on him and show him he's loved even more by our Heavenly Father.

And by the way, Parker did forgive me. Now, I won't go through the rest of the conversation, but I will tell you that he gave me kisses...because that is what he gets when he apologizes. Sweet boy!

control

I just got back from my dentist appointment--the one that I've been dreading for so long! I have said before that I'd rather have another c-section than go to the dentist. Irrational, but very true! I was sitting there in that darn chair having my teeth scraped with that awful tool...and thinking about why I hate going to the dentist with such passion. Yes, some of it has to do with the fact that it is uncomfortable, but mostly it is because I hate that I don't get to be the one in control! It bothers me that they have their hands in my mouth and get to point out everything I'm doing wrong in my dental hygiene...and I can't even defend myself because my mouth is full!

Control--I don't like that part of me. It's yucky. And the dentist is such a small issue--I have more, of course. And lucky you, I'll be sharing about them on here because it is something I want to work on. It definitely isn't something I want to teach my children. More to come...

Once upon a time...

Griffin at one month...it was already starting to thin .

Griffin today. He doesn't care a bit about his hair....and we really don't either:)

Once upon a time....

There was a little boy named Griffin, and he had hair on his head. Lots of it. It was sure nice and people would often comment on his full head of dark hair and how it made him look like his Daddy. His parents were proud. But you know, pride comes before the fall and, in this case, it was literal. Yes, that very nice hair started to fall out and very soon it looked as though that little boy's forehead started at the back of his head. And his parents would often wonder aloud, "God, what is your plan here? We miss Griffin's hair!" But God made those parents wait and wait...just to see what would happen on that very bare scalp. They learned to trust God that He had a plan and had something beautiful in mind. One day, Griffin's mama realized that they had been given a gift--at least they knew what their son would look like at age 80....bald and toothless, but very cute ;)

To be continued...

everyday goodness

It has been one of those light, easy, joyful days that must come along once in a while in order to keep some perspective! You know, when people told me that motherhood would be tough, I really believed it. I understood that it would be the hardest job of my life. But I really didn't know what that "hard" would feel like. It is such a mental game sometimes. I like to tell people that being a mother is harder than I expected, but it is also even better than I expected--and I've wanted to be a mom my entire life.

Today I decided to stay home with the boys and let Griffin enjoy long naps in his own bed instead of his carseat or stroller. And he has sure enjoyed himself--he's been sleeping all but about an hour since 7 am....and it is after 1 now! He's over four months and still sleeps like a newborn. So great.

I also just wanted to stay home and enjoy time with Parker. I've tried to get a few things done here and there, but mostly we've just been hanging out. He is helping me put together a music play list. I've really enjoyed going to all of your blogs with music, so I've decided to do one for my blog too! So next time you come here, make sure your speakers aren't turned up too high, because you might wake up some napping kiddos or something. Yeah, this is speaking from experience! Parker has helped me pick some of his favorite songs to dance to...he especially likes the Bon Jovi/Sugarland song. Me too. We spin round and round in the kitchen and he gets to jump off the counter into my arms. I know, we're not creating good habits, but we're creating good memories! And by the way, you don't even have to turn your speakers down when you hear the James Blunt song come on because I got the radio version ;)

I just re-read my last paragraph--I am such a blessed woman. I get to stay at home and dance with my sons. Yes, as hard as it is...nothing could be better.

We took the boys to a minor league baseball game the other night for Father's Day. The boys did great and it was so fun to do something together as a family of four. I actually didn't pay much attention to the game because I was having too much fun eating kettle corn, but Joel enjoyed himself...which was the point. Parker found a little friend and tried to share his cars with him. Tried--sharing is hard at two. And Griffin tried to sleep. Again, he tried:)

Happy Friday to you all...

Parker: Then & Now

What a difference one year makes...

Same place, just about the same day of the year. Just added a few pieces of clothing... and a year:)

prayer in a onesie...

Griffin recently grew out of his little onesies he wore since we brought him home. I think many moms have a bit of a hard time realizing their children are growing up fast--and I'm one of them! I went out and picked up a package of the Gerber brand, because I like the way they fit best. They all have some design on them, but I really didn't pay attention to what they said. When I got home and looked, I realized that Gerber custom-made a shirt, just for my Griffin. On the front, it says...

*Adorable*Brave*Strong*Courageous*

I chose some of my favorite definitions for these lovely attributes...

Adorable: Easy to love: lovable, sweet
This is the very best word to describe Griffin--adorable! I'm not just talking about appearance (which is a given for a mama), but this boy is just so easy to love and sweeter than pumpkin pie:)

Brave: Possessing or displaying courage; valiant.

Strong: (a) Having force of character, will, morality, or intelligence.
(b) Not easily captured or defeated: a strong flank; a strong defense.
(c) Having force of conviction or feeling; uncompromising: strong faith; a strong supporter.

Courageous, courage: The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

I would add a few more to the shirt, if I could. In addition to Godliness, I would add humility.

Humble: Lack of vanity or self-importance.

"What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God." - Monica Baldwin

We chose the name Griffin because it means strength and vigilance...and because we just like it:) From the moment we met, one of my hopes for Griffin has been that he would grow into his name. He was so little, but I knew that he would someday need to step up and be a man of Godly strength. My prayer is that Joel and I are given the wisdom and grace to raise him (and Parker) up in this hope.

My baby nephew has arrived...

Elliot Jacob
6.16.07
9 lbs & 21.5"

My sister-in-law, Andi, had a successful VBAC...praise God!

He's a handsome little fellow, of course:)

We love you baby boy! Can't wait to cover you in hugs and kisses...

Love, Auntie Amy

just wondering...

How can a little boy, who is so lovely and whom I love more than life....drive me SO CRAZY! Yes, this little man is currently pushing my buttons. He may look cute and he isn't that big, but he sure can make a mess of things. Like, for instance, right this very minute...he is in his room, removing every piece of clothing (including his diaper) and then crying because he can't get to sleep for his nap. I know this because he has been doing this repeatedly for about an hour an a half. I can deal with the clothes coming off...but the diaper? No! What to do...what to do? Duct tape? :) Totally kidding...but very tempting. Oh, my!

I must get this boy potty trained!

Hmmm....and I bet none of you other moms have ever experienced anything like this:) Just a day in the life, eh?

Same tree...different leaves

I am just a terrible multi-tasker. I was just downstairs in my basement, rummaging around for this picture and trying to eat my salad at the same time. And then it happened...my salad fell on the floor. Not all of it, but the good part-- the bacon and cheese. Ugh....and now I'm still hungry. I guess it is the price I must pay for trying to be a nice sister and put up a birthday post for Erik and Kels:)

So....happy birthday Erik and Kelsey! I feel like such a lucky girl to be the middle child and have an older brother and younger sister. I love you both so much! I can't wait until next year when we all live within a couple hours of one another again....except when Kels is out of the country:( I love this picture of the three of us--and not because of my awesome haircut or jammies. I think that I actually even remember having this taken from 20 years ago!

It is so startling to look at pictures of my brother and sister and see how my kids resemble them! I know, genetics--but is sort of crazy to see sometimes. Griffin actually makes that exact same expression that Kelsey is making in the picture. And sometimes Parker looks so much like Erik when he was a little boy, especially in the summer when his hair turns white and skin tans up a bit. Weird.

Let me say it again: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE SIBLINGS! I love you...can't wait to give you both real hugs. Love, Amy

Oh, and by the way...Erik is about to become a dad for the second time very soon. His lovely wife could even effortlessly:) push the little guy out on Erik's actual birthday. Wouldn't that be cool? Well, his birthday is today...so maybe Father's day?

I'm off to clean up my bacon off of the floor...

"If you're nice to me."

This was my husband's answer tonight when I asked him if he would wake me up in the morning...uh oh! I know he was joking, but it quickly brought me back to reality. I've been so inside my head this evening, it is strange. I think I was acting mad, but I'm not at all. Just thinking...about absolutely nothing important! Like I was thinking about more feeding issues with the boys. Hmmmm...why, oh why does this have to take so much thought in my house? Can't it be straight forward? And I was also thinking about the movie we watched the other night, The Good Shepherd. There were some torture scenes in it and I was really disturbed. Anyway, totally dumb stuff to be dwelling on, especially when I have real-life family members, and legit concerns right in front of me. Do you ever get that way? So I decided to blog...lucky you!

We had one of those wonderful, no huge plans kind of weekend! We celebrated my sister's birthday...the big 2-0! As always, so great to spend time with her. She's a good one-- I think we'll keep her:) Other than that, we spent some time with friends, went to church, worked in the yard, went out on a date. We just mainly spent time together...which is the best kind of time.

I even had some time for one of my hobbies. You see, in another life, I think I would be working as a fact-checker for some big-time magazine or newspaper...I really like research. I know, totally uncool and slightly embarrassing, but it is true! So in my spare time (a.k.a time that I should be doing something more productive), I research strange facts that I've been wondering about. For instance, the other night I was wondering which months of the year have the least and greatest amount of births and ended up on the CDC website. Did you know that February has the least and July has the most? Generally, the summer months have the most birthdays. This makes sense to me because it seems that so many people are about to have babies right now, whereas I didn't feel like there were a ton of other ladies about to pop when I gave birth to Griffin. Betcha totally needed that info...

Speaking of Griffin, he's starting to come out of his goofy stage...kind of! He still has a definite hair problem--he is almost completely bald. The poor boy has gone through some stages in his four months of life and things are looking up! Just look at him...isn't he just completely edible?



Was there a point to this post? Yes, I assure you! I got some some stuff out of my head and now I can be nice;)

tired of sick...

I'm tired of this. When the kids first got sick, I kind of enjoyed cozying up on the couch, snuggling, staying home intentionally, tending to my little ones. But it has now almost been two weeks and oh, how I am tired of it. Tired of the sleepless nights, the snotty noses, ear aches, sore throats, hacking coughs, strange bodily fluid, and endless crying. Endless. And I am even tired of the movies and staying home all of the time. I need a break from the germs.

I have a bad attitude this morning and I'm just writing this because I must get out of it. This is so not a big deal...my kids are generally healthy and I know they will get better...I'm just a bit weary. But enough, enough, enough of my complaining!

But I guess that is what love is all about. It isn't supposed to be easy, breezy all of the time. Love is work. No surprise, of course...but sometimes I have to reevaluate my attitude. If I only have a good attitude about itty-bitty hardships like this when it is easy and fresh, what good is that? These are the times that my mama-love can truly shine, if I choose to let it...and if I go to where I can find rest...

He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul.
Psalm 23:2-3

I may be taking the next couple of days off from blogging as I try to get these kiddos healthy...and as I work on my attitude ;) I just had to add this picture of my sick boys!

cute stuff...

Just some shots of Griffin because he doesn't get nearly enough airtime and his four month birthday is tomorrow:) Can you believe he is over 14 lbs? He has more than doubled in birth weight in the past four months! He is just slightly below average for weight and average for length. Perfect!

Right now, Griffin is really into his big brother and thinks everything Parker does is hilarious! Some of the things that Parker does wouldn't be that funny to me, but Griffin likes it...so, whatever!

I haven't been able to capture that heart-melting smile of his. Soon, I hope. These little grins will have to do...

balance...again

Warning: thoughts in progress…this is not necessarily a complete thought. I haven’t come to any firm conclusions on this issue. This is just me, voicing my thoughts about this specific lesson.

I had an eating disorder in high school and thankfully I have been completely healed in that area of my life. The eating disorder is just one area out of many that was pivotal in bringing me to a faith in Jesus. There were many reasons why I developed an eating disorder in the first place, but what it came down to was this—sin. I was so focused on myself and my appearance that I saw no one else. Nothing. It was all-consuming. No one was allowed in my life except me and my “secret”. It was really a pitiful existence and, after recovering, I realized that I never wanted my life to be like that again.

So along with giving up my obsession about my weight, I also decided that focusing on how I dressed was a waste of time and just generally a distraction from the higher calling of loving God and others…sin, even. Think of all of the people we could help with our time and resources if we didn’t spend it on making sure we made a good impression? And I still think this—I really do. I think we are an appearance obsessed culture. I believe we are consistently choosing greed over helping others and all the while, modeling this to our children. So often, we are all talk and no action.

But…even though I want to forget about what people think about my outward appearance, I don’t! It has been a struggle to keep it in balance at times. While I have been making effort to keep thoughts about how I dress on the back-burner, I have also been frustrated by the fact that I have often felt uncomfortable and out of place because of my lack of forethought. These thoughts make me feel conflicted because I really don’t want to be bothered by these feelings while in social situations—I want to be myself and to be used by God without distraction. Make sense?

So here are my thoughts as the moment: I really want to be a good steward of my money, time and thoughts, but since I have to spend money on clothing anyway, why not put some consideration into it and purchase items that will make me feel good in my own skin? That way I can forget about it and get on with more significant things. There really is something to be said about clothes that fit well and that are flattering. An amazing thing happens…I forget about myself and I am able to focus my full attention on things that actually matter in the big picture. What freedom!

It is all about balance, right Dad? Isn’t it interesting that I am finally learning to bring things back into balance after going to both extremes within the past ten years? And I know that God will continue to work on this area with me. I know this because I am s-l-o-w. And He is patient.

mommy talk #6

(to join us, head on over to Mommy Talk)

Birth Story

I've already posted these, so I will just link to them.

Parker
Griffin

Two of the most memorable days in my life...

a few for the road...

Happy weekend!

A couple shots from another date night hike…

Getting big and he loves to “stand”…

My sick boys. They’ve looked better, but they are still precious with their special blankies...blue for Park and green for Griff:)

together is a wonderful place to be...

We moved into our home one year ago today. What a blessing this little house has been—I love it more everyday. I love it not because it is the perfect house, but because it is perfect home for us. When I look back on the pictures of the house before we moved in, I’m amazed at how nice everything looks—and how bare! Now when I look around, I see a home lived in and loved on…a perfect place to be together.

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. ~Frederick W. Robertson

* a few pictures from before we moved in *

mommy talk #5

Mommy Talk for Monday May 28th to join us, head on over to A Little Mommy Talk!

What was your favorite maternity
"could not do without" items?

So I'm a little late on this...my brain was taking a vacation on Memorial Day!
In addition to many of my favorite maternity clothes (which made me feel cute even when I wasn't), I have two must-have items:

1. The Bella Band...or a product like it.

With this wonderful item, you might even be able to get away with never wearing maternity clothes at all. I used it my entire pregnancy. It saves money and allows you to wear your favorite clothes, no matter how big you get.

2. Tae Bo DVD

I tried to do this workout throughout both pregnancies. I love it because I enjoy kick boxing and I could modify the moves to fit my ever-changing body. It was the one thing that was able to make me feel like I was in control of the some part of my life!

*end of mommy talk!*

So this has nothing to do with the above subject, but did anyone watch the Miss Universe pageant last night? I was up late watching some TV because I was making some milk for my baby...which, by the way, also makes me feel similar to Jenn:) Anyway, our very own Miss USA was going down the runway by herself and tripped and fell on her backside right in the middle of the evening gown competition. And it wasn't a pretty fall whatsoever! At first I started cracking up laughing because it was so hideous...but then I felt bad for her! How embarrassing and disappointing to train up for a competition like Miss Universe and fall on your butt! Poor thing. But she still got fifth place. Hmmmm....end of tangent...

because he is worth it...

My little Parker has been sick for the past couple of days. He's got a cough, fever, won't drink, won't eat...minus the THREE Fruitabu this morning! We've been spending our days on the couch, watching movies. I have no idea how many times Curious George played today! Surprisingly, Parker has had the greatest attitude about being sick this time around. He is super clingy, but I secretly love this. I hope my boys will always want to sit on my lap and snuggle...even when it isn't cool anymore:) Even though he feels really icky, he is still being sweet to me and wants me to comfort him.

I think our relationship is on the mend. Not that it has been terrible, but we've had a few rocky spots since Griffin was born. Since Griffin's arrival, Parker has been waking up from his nap in a nasty mood, usually crying...and just generally sort of ticked off at me much of the time. I get it. I mean, a new baby in the house is a tough thing to handle, especially for a two year old. But I knew that I needed to make some adjustments...

I tried a new approach with Parker this week and it seems to have made a huge difference. First (and this is a total no-brainer), I have been making a huge effort to respond calmly, and even joyfully, rather than react to frustrating situations with Parker. Of course this is going to change the mood in our home! And second, I am trying to show interest in things that Parker is interested in...not just me. In a book I'm reading, the author talks about how it is important to build significant purpose in our child and one of the ways we can do this is by showing them they have our attention...even in the small things. I've always played with Parker, but lately it has been more of me trying to get Parker involved in one of my ideas or asking him to help with Griffin or around the house...because, you know...I'm busy! So now that we have more of a predictable schedule, I have devoted a period of time in our morning to nothing but Parker. This means no phone calls, no cleaning, no folding clothes. Kids know when we're paying attention and I want him to know that I care about what he cares about. During Griffin's morning nap, Parker gets a bath and while I'm drying him off, I ask Parker what he wants to play with. Lately he has wanted to play with the garage. But whatever he wants to play, I totally engage...with sound effects and everything! Little boys are all about the explosion noise:) Anyway, long story short, I want to show Parker daily that he matters, that he has my full attention, and that I want to be involved in the details of his life.

Since I've been making effort in these two areas, Parker has not cried upon waking from his nap and his overall disposition has changed. He's more agreeable, more teachable, more affectionate, and more fun. And I am even finding more joy in the tumultuous two's!

This evening Parker was having a hard time getting to sleep so I crawled into his little bed with him. By the way, I far exceeded the weight limit on that thing...but it didn't matter! I held his hand and he pulled himself up next to me and immediately started to settle down. He decided to place his face right up against mine so that our noses were touching and he breathed right into my mouth for a good 10 minutes! If I am sick in a couple days, I will know where it came from, but those moments are priceless and he's worth it...

field trip with a two-year old...

I am slowly learning how these little minds function. I took the boys on another little field trip, but this time we went to a local cat zoo. No, not like domestic cats. The REAL THING...like The Lion King:) It is a very beautiful day here and so it really didn't matter what we were doing, I knew we were going to have fun. To be expected, Parker seemed way more interested in the gravel and the water fountains than the enormous animals. And then, of course, he really liked the chickens in the petting zoo. Did you know that you can pet chickens? Kind of icky to me, but they did provide hand sanitizer! As I was packing up the boys to go home, I thought, is it worth it for a boy who could just play with the gravel at home? But I was wrong. As soon as we got back in the car, Parker started chatting away about the cool cats...their colors and sounds and such. His little mind takes in so much more than I give credit. He just pays attention to more so much more. He takes in every...single....element around him. Definitely worth the trip.

In other news, Griffin rolled over yesterday! I think he kind of knocked himself over when he was very young, but this time it was for real. I really thought that it would take months for this to happen because I rarely put him on his tummy on the floor. I know....bad, but we have this other munchkin that kind of forgets where he is walking! A friend of mine, Julie, told me while pregnant with Griffin that the second time around is so much sweeter. I was so happy to hear this because I was repeatedly being told how hard having two was going to be! It is hard, but really...I do think that since we realize how fast things go, we really treasure the little moments more with these little ones. He is so precious. Any boy who laughs at my games and looks at me with those loving eyes is sure to get points with me...

here is my brain...

I suppose I could organize my thoughts into a post that has a purpose...one that flows and actually leaves you feeling like you read something valuable. I could. But I won't because I'm sorta lazy and I really have nothing important to say. I just feel like blogging while I have a minute and I will offer a quick snapshot of my crazed brain:) I feel like I am literally thinking about all of these things at this very moment!

~American Idol Finale tonight...so excited!
~I just made a dentist appointment today and I'm really terrified of the dentist. Terrified because I have deceptive teeth--They look fine but really are not! I really wish I could find a dentist who who would put me under for the cleaning!
~I'm using FlyLady.net to help me manage my household. Sort of overwhelming with all of the emails and such, but it actually is helping me get things under control and ease my anxiety about stuff that should be a small issue.
~My sister and I made-up from a fight we had. Actually, it was not a fight...she was just mad at me and I was mad at her for being mad at me. Read that sentence again. THIS is why I want all boys...females are crazy!
~I need to start reading more about potty training. I don't want to start just yet, but I really want to start preparing myself beforehand. Ugh...I'm really not looking forward to it. Any suggestions?
~We went to bible study last night and as I walked into the room, I instantly felt my heart go heavy...and I didn't know why because I was feeling great. Turns out that many people were dealing with tough stuff. It was an interesting feeling.
~I can't wait to start solids in a few months with Griffin. Love watching them taste new things! The mess, however, I could do without!
~I'm afraid that Griffin is going to get a flat head because he sleeps so much. I think it is already going in that direction. What to do!
~Been thinking about this passage lately: Righteousness from the law is nothing compared to knowing and being found in Christ.
~I have a little video to share and you better watch it now or else you might lose your chance. It might mysteriously disappear when a certain someone finds out that his skills have been made public:) My boys have some great moves. This video is from a reception we went to last weekend for our Aunt and Uncles 25th wedding celebration. How cool is that? I better sign off now before I do more damage...enjoy!