done

My thoughts on being "done" having children.

I am giving myself 5 minutes to write about this subject. Partly because it is complicated and I think I could just confuse myself if I write too long.

Since Hollyn was born, we've been asked numerous times if we are done having children. Totally valid question. But the question itself is kind of too much for me. Maybe it is the wrong question? I get it, though. I ask myself all the time. Here is my answer!

I've been waiting for the feeling to come...the one some people talk about. But I am not getting it! However, technically, we are DONE because my husband has that feeling and you know, it takes two to tango. I really don't want any more children but I also feel weird about closing that door permanently when I am still only 30.

I have told so many people that I have zero desire to be pregnant again. Zilch. My body is done. Three c-sections within five years and my body is just screaming for a break.

I have prayed for God to give my that magic feeling of "done-ness". Nope. You know what I'm getting instead? Not what you'd expect...but an even more intense feeling of pouring into the children I DO HAVE. And I mean intense. God's answers are so creative. Love that.

I don't really think we'll ever decide to have another child. Three feels good and honestly, I am at my limit. I don't think I have any more to give. The quality of my mothering would go down the tubes. My children deserve more of me than that. But here is the thing, I also don't think I'm ever going to feel the magic feeling of being done. I think it has something to do with faith. Something to do with trusting God in the now and trusting that He knows the future...but I don't. And I don't want to.

So my answer is this: We have three children and we're so happy with that number. We have zero plans to add to our family but I also don't have any magic feelings of completion. The end. :)